The Hall Of Really Good
The Hall Of Really Good

Hall of Really Good #3: Mark McGwire

Illustration for article titled Hall of Really Good #3: Mark McGwire

Aw yeah. Now we’re talking. Boosh.

Look at that sucker go. How about a few more?

That’s the stuff. Mark McGwire rules. Other stuffier Halls of note will wring their hands about any chemical enhancements, but not us. As far as we’re concerned Mark McGwire was in fact, very good at baseball. Want more evidence?

Yeah kid. Was he the best home run hitter of his era? Nope, that’s Barry Bonds. But Barry Bonds was so great at so many different things in his day. Mark McGwire was the best at hitting that sonofabitch right into God’s fucking face. BWAAAAAH.

People are going to tell you that this makes him one dimensional. To which we would answer






“But, but, without steroids, he’s only Dave Kingman.”

Sucks for Dave Kingman. He probably should have gotten some ‘roids. BOOSH!

“No but seriously, they had good power, but didn’t hit for average very well, and were defensive liabilities. If you just shave off seven home runs a year, Big Mac’s numbers really aren’t-”

 Shut it. Mark McGwire was fun as hell to watch. He came to our attention as part of the Bash Brothers and smacked dingers all over the Bay Area, winning a ring and losing a few more. He got injured a lot, which sucked and robbed us all of years worth of these mammoth shots. But then he went to St. Louis, found some new formula, and burned the sport to the ground. People can say the HR record didn’t matter because it was dirty. To hell with that. If he hit 62 that’d be one thing, but he hit 70. 70 goddamn home runs is amazing, I don’t care how many ‘roids you’re crushing. Then he slipped up and hit 65 Homers the next year. Just a casual 135 home runs in two seasons. WHATEVER MAN. What was his BABIP? Lifetime .255? What an asshole. Guess those dingers weren’t fun after all.


Here he is winning the Home Run Derby in 1999. And don’t give me he didn’t win the thing. That final round was stupid. Mark put on the show. (Warning: There is a LOT of Chris Berman in this clip)

The best part about all this, is that he did all the PED’s and really made his mark…as a Cardinal. Oh yeah, you’re no better than us, St. Louis fans. Turns out the game’s most precious baseball enthusiasts aren’t as high and mighty as they’d have you believe, and will sell their souls for the great god of dingers just as quickly as any degenerate Yankee or Red Sox fan. I don’t blame any of you guys, but you can kindly shut the fuck up about how you “get” baseball more than the average fan, or how it means more to you. Fuck off.

Look how much you loved lil’ Matt “Drake LaRoche” McGwire. Of course all of this ugly talk only takes away from how much fun Mark McGwire really was. Look at him make a brief appearance in one of my favorite SportsCenter commercials

And who could forget his classic cameo with the Simpsons

Mucho caliente.

Mark, you were dirty, one dimensional, and you only got to stand on top of the mountain that one time in 1989. People are going to tell you that your time wasn’t as special as you’d believe. I was there. It was. You were really good.

Illustration for article titled Hall of Really Good #3: Mark McGwire

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